Forgive (Why Should I and How Can I?) by Tim Keller

The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant (Matthew 18:21 - 35)

Here are my thoughts and takeaways

1. Christians are to forgive because God has shown us forgiveness of our sins.

2. Jesus tells Peter that we are to forgive limitlessly. The verse that came to mind was "love keeps no record of wrongs" (1 Corinthians 13:5).

3. In this specific parable, God showed forgiveness in a way that the servant did not have to face the consequences of his debt. But I think it's important to note that God is not saying all forgiveness looks like this (excusing consequences). In the story of David, when he commits adultery with Bathsheba, he faced severe consequences though God forgave him. So God's forgiveness can look different depending on the sin committed. So again, what is forgiveness? How is forgiveness defined?

4. This verse that came to mind 1 Peter 4:8 "Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins." First, I believe forgiveness is a form of agape love, and therefore, I think to understand biblical forgiveness we need to first understand and define what agape love is. Also, this verse explains that love or forgiveness "covers" sins. What does covering sin look like? I think the way the king showed forgiveness to the servant in the Parable was an example of covering sin, because the servant didn't have to face consequences.

Introduction : "No Future Without Forgiveness"

Here are my reflections

1. Though forgiveness sounds like a great virtue, I can totally understand the fear people may have towards forgiveness. Forgiveness can appear as if we are denying justice, excusing accountability and responsibility of the abuse committed by the abuser, and ultimately, encouraging the abuser since he/she is escaping the deserved consequences. Do justice and forgiveness contradict each other? Or do they go hand in hand?

2. Do you think figures like Martin Luther King Jr. who demonstrated forgiveness and reconciliation promoted unity in our country?

3. Barbara Reynolds and Andrew Young believes anger brings only short-term gains because it eventually fuels more anger and therefore promote division rather than unity. I agree that revenge and hatred only fuels more division in our community. However, the the conflict that this book is trying to address isn't love vs. hatred, forgiveness vs. revenge, but rather forgiveness vs. justice.

4. What is an antonym of forgive? Is it hatred? Is it revenge? Is it retaliating?

5. What is the difference between revenge and justice?

6. What do you think about the phrase "forgive and forget"?

7. What do you think about the verse "turn the other cheek" (Matthew 5:39)?

8. Do you think ultimate purpose/goal of forgiveness is reconciliation, restoration and unity though that may not be the actual outcome? What's the purpose of forgiveness? What is your motive to forgive your enemy/abuser/perpetrator?

Chapter 1: A Story of Forgiveness

Here are my ponderings

1. This chapter revisits the Parable of Unforgiving Servant. I like how it pointed out the servant take's God's grace in vain because it depicts the reality of many of our relationships. Though God's kindness should lead us to repentance, often we take God's grace in vain most likely due to our sinful nature.

2. Pastor Tim Keller uses the parable to define forgiveness: #1 King brought the man before him (Tell the truth of his sin against you) #2. King took pity on him (So for us, we can have compassion for our fellow sinners) #3. King cancelled the debt and absorb the loss himself (We should withhold to payback of what the perpetrator deserves) #4. King released him (Tim Keller interprets this as us being open to reconciliation).

3. Pastor Tim Keller states that forgiveness is "to aim at reconciliation rather than breaking off the relationship forever."

4. I disagree with point #1 in that to forgive someone, it doesn't always require us to speak to the wrongdoer since forgiveness is not dependent on the wrongdoer's response. There are times it's not safe or wise to talk to the person, but we can still forgive them. What do you think? Does forgiveness always involve truth-telling? Also, doesn't the verse "love covers multitude of sin" also mean you don't need to point out every sin a person commits against you? I believe covering means to overlook minor offenses? It doesn't help to point out every little thing they do wrong, and the whole-point of truth telling is to help the other person repent.

5. Regarding point #3 I believe Tim Keller is saying withholding the urge to revenge, not withholding exercising justice. Even in the parable, the king exercises justice by punishing the servant after he found out he was unmerciful to others. Pastor Tim Keller also shared that if we try to exercise justice without forgiving from the heart, then we can veer into the realm of revenge.

6. As for point #4 I disagree with his statement that reconciliation is the aim of forgiveness. When I google searched the definition of reconciliation it stated that "the restoration of friendly relations". Let's say that I have a daughter who was molested. Though I 100% agree that she should forgive, I would never encourage her to be reconciled or be in "friendly" relations with the molester. The main reason being is that we are not God and therefore we can never know if the other person has truly repented or not. Unfortunately, people can be good actors and therefore, be deceptive. Therefore, unlike what Pastor Tim Keller wrote in this book, I think the definition of forgiveness is more simple. I believe the definition of forgiveness is to simply to not hold a grudge, and be bitter. Since Paul defines love as not keeping record of wrongs, I believe forgiveness is a subset of love. And what is love? Agape love is seeking the best for the other person, which requires wisdom. Going back to the scenario, if my daughter was molested, I would encourage her to forgive from the heart by not holding onto bitterness, and pray to God that the perpetrator will repent and be saved.

It is important to keep in mind too that not everyone will be reconciled to God, though He graciously offered it to anyone who chooses to believe. In other words, just because we forgive the perpetrator, it doesn't mean he/she will repent. More often than not because by nature we are sinners, and hearts are hard like cement, repentance may not be the response. So it is crucial that we are to be careful and use our wisdom to guide us. For example, it's not wise to pursue a murderer physically, to confront them of his/her sins. However, we can pray hard that this perpetrator will truly repent and be reconciled to God.

Also, just a thought, if the wrongdoer repents just right before his last breadth, than there can be reconciliation between two people in heaven.

Chapter 1: A Story of Forgiveness (Part A: Our Failures of Forgiveness)

Here are my takeaways

1. I like how Pastor Tim Keller noted that this story of the parable of unforgiving servant is a realistic picture of professing Christians who fail to forgive others despite the fact that God has shown us sheer grace. Due to sin, I think it's easier for us to hold grudges, but remembering God's immense forgiveness towards us should soften our hearts toward fellow sinners.

2. He also talks about 3 basic dimensions to Christian forgiveness. 1) Vertical (God's forgiveness to us) 2) Internal (Forgiveness from the heart) 3) Horizontal (our offer to reconcile). Based on these dimensions, do you think it's possible for unbelievers to forgive? I know Jews and Catholics believe God forgives them of their sins, so I think it's possible for them to forgive others. I think agnostics/atheists may be able to forgive others in a sense that they don't hold a grudge, but the motive behind or the basis of their forgiveness may not be love. Lastly, I looked up the definition of the word "reconcile", and it stated that "to cause people or groups to become friendly again after an argument or disagreement" (The Britannica Dictionary). Again, I think it's good to be very cautious or error on the side of caution with this one. I agree we should be open to reconciliation, but only if there is true contrition and repentance from the wrongdoer. I think the story of Joseph forgiving his brothers in Genesis 50 is a good example of how we should forgive others. Despite how wrongly Joseph was treated by his brothers, you can tell Joseph missed and loved his brothers, and eager to be reconciled to them, but only ran towards them after they proved themselves to be truly repentant.

Chapter 1: A Story of Forgiveness (Part B: The King Who Was a Servant)

Here are my reflections
1. Two verses came to mind as I was reading this section of the book. It reminded me of Jesus' mission/purpose/heart to save His enemies, and leaving the judgment on the last day to the Father. We should have the same attitude to share the Gospel to our enemies with a desire that they will repent and be saved.

If anyone hears My [t]teachings and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world. - John 12:47
For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. - John 3:17
"just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” - Matt 20:28

2. I appreciated the following verse shared in the section. Jesus modeled undeserving love toward his perpetrators by showing compassion towards his enemies, and praying that the Father will forgive them instead of punishing them.

"But Jesus was saying, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”] And they cast lots, dividing His garments among themselves." - Luke23:34

Chapter 2: The Fading of Forgiveness

Part A: Pressure to Nonconditionally Forgive ("Easy or Cheap grace")

"Over time she (Susan Waters) saw how often within the church the idea of forgiveness was used against victims of abuse and injustice. Abusers knew how to use the doctrine of forgiveness to bring about their quick restoration to positions of trust - from which they could abuse again. The abused who did not immediately "forgive and forget" were said to be vindictive. The call to forgive was often the way churches or Christian institutions guarded their public image and reputations rather than redressing wrongs. 'The pressure to blindly forgive,' said Susan, 'particularly within Church teaching, can keep people stuck and unsafe. I believe this easy grace can allow abuse to thrive within families and institutions.'" (Chapter 2 pg 35-36).

This is why I wanted to read this book. I think many people (including Christians) are confused what forgiveness is. In fact, many people are confused as to what agape love is. As I stated before, I believe forgiveness is a subset of love. Love is not about being friendly to everyone and being a people pleaser. Love is seeking what is best for the other person, and therefore, love and justice are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes what is best for the perpetrator is to be punished. Just as we discipline and set consequences for children in hopes that they understand what they did was wrong and change for the better. But as pastor Tim Keller stated in this book, if we don't forgive from the heart, we can veer off to revenge instead of seeking justice.

I personally know a church (Grace Community Church) that taught that you should endure (stay married) an abusive marriage because Jesus died on the cross for you (I know this to be the truth because I personally spoke to an elder who was in charge with marriage counseling at Grace Community Church). I honestly don't think the elder meant to hurt the abused spouse but rather was sincerely confused as to what love is. I know as a Christian I thought loving people meant being nice, friendly and making others happy. But deep down, as I was being a doormat, I was sincerely confused and desperately sought the definition of agape love. While I was reading a devotional called Holiness Day by Day by Jerry Bridges, he defined love as "seeking the highest good of another person." Sure, the Bible states that "Greater love has no one than this, that a person will lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). But remember, Jesus also overturned the tables of money chargers, rebuked people etc. When Jesus was crucified on the cross, he wasn't being a doormat, but rather in his wisdom this was the only way to save our souls from God's wrath and judgment, and therefore, in His wisdom and love, He willingly chose to be crucified since this was the only way.

(P.S. I honestly don't know all the details of what happened at Grace Community Church but you can read articles about these issues at Julie Roys website, and do your own research. There are a lot of things I appreciate about GCC. This is the church where I learned a lot about the Bible more thoroughly and clearly. But I think it's good to keep in mind not everything a pastor says is true, and when there are flaws, we need to bring it to light, in order to protect the church).

Chapter 2: The Fading of Forgiveness

Part B: Pressure to Transactionally Forgive ("Little Grace")

1. In this section, Pastor Tim Keller talks about how some people believe a wrongdoer needs to earn/merit forgiveness by confessing and self-abasing oneself. He then says this is not forgiveness but rather "a form of revenge masquerading as virtue" (page 38).

2. I agree that if we demand that the perpetrator earns our forgiveness by self-abasing themselves, it's coming from a heart that is bitter and a desire to see them suffer or "pay" for their wrong actions.

3. As Pastor Tim Keller stated, if we truly want to pursue justice, we need to first forgive from the heart or it will veer off to revenge. This shows that forgiveness cannot be contingent upon the wrongdoer's response.

4. The book goes on to say that though transactional/merited forgiveness seems like a good middle ground between no-forgiveness (staying angry) and nonconditional forgiveness (no justice being pursued), it is not really forgiveness but rather a form of revenge. As I shared in my previous posts, I believe forgiveness is a subset of love where it is simply about not being bitter and having a heart of compassion for fellow sinners. Lastly, since agape love is not about being "nice" but rather it is seeking the highest good of another person, justice and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive.